Saturday, February 17, 2007

Our Son

Today, 4 years ago, our only son was born. It is a bittersweet day for me, every year. I suspect it will always be that way. On this day, we celebrate his very short life. It seems like yesterday that we were waiting so anxiously for his arrival. I can remember his birth so vividly in my mind. We of course knew that there could be serious problems but we so ready for his birth. I was induced early on the morning of Feb 17 and he was finally born at 11:53 pm. I don't remember a whole of pain, I am sure it was there. But I was just so ready. I wanted to see what God had in store for sweet Jacob. He didn't cry like other babies, but he did make a little squeak. I wanted so much to believe that the squeak meant he was healthy. I got to see him for only a second before they took him away. I didn't care much at all about the recovery, I just wanted to get to the nursery to see him. I was so overjoyed that he was alive. But my joy turned to great sorrow so quickly.

I have been through some very trying times in my life. But losing my child is the hardest moment I have experienced. Yet in the midst of such profound sorrow, I found so much hope. I had never leaned on the Lord so much. And he was there to hold me. I didn't know anyone who had lost a child. But one thought continued to come to my mind. God knew what it was like to lose a son. Not only does he know what it's like, he freely gave that son for us. I cannot say that I would CHOOSE to have my son die. But I do know that I am not alone in my struggle. I know that God is my Shepherd. And he will not forsake me. And he hasn't. He has continued to carry me when I couldn't walk on my own. He has continued to bless me over and over again. And I know that he has great plans for me.

I will never forget my son. It is hard sometimes because having four girls seems to be of interest to people. We get lots of comments. One that we get very often is, "Are you going to try for your boy?" We have our boy. He waits in heaven with our Lord.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was so beautiful, and so inspiring. I am so glad to call you a friend. Your faith is amazing.

I love you!